I am on the red eye from NY after a whirlwind of the life of a stand up comedian. My plane has Wi-Fi but I am not able to log onto it, of course.
Since Ashley and I got married we’ve spent some family and friends time in Maui but I wanted to “go off the grid” for a real honeymoon so we headed to Shanghai. And by “real honeymoon” I mean an eye opening, romantic tour of a far off land paid for by Asia Uncut, the finest English speaking talk show allowed to be watched by a billion viewers. We shopped, and it is crowded there.
Ashley surprised me with the only quiet dinner for two to mark my 20th sober B-Day Dec 10. A private restaurant on top of a bell tower that seats 2 and has the view of Shanghai’s massive skyscrapers and 1000 year old castles that we’d seen on TV. Also, the best meal of my life and that’s a life of too many good meals. Twitter, Facebook and You Tube are illegal there but TMZ plays every night on HBO Asia. No wonder people pointed and laughed at me. [click to continue…]
Here are some of my candid wedding photos. Enjoy!
Ashley has given me a lot of hope and confidence. New feelings for a guy who’s well aware the rug can and will be pulled out from him at any moment and whose life thus far has never proven him wrong. Now this is partly my fault. I’ve set up everything, every relationship with this knowledge going in and I’ve always saved a small part of myself to prepare for that day. Which means I’ve never 100% given of myself to another woman but maybe it’s my age, the hard lesson’s I’ve learned or the knowledge gained from being welcomed into the healthy relationships of my friends but for Ashley, I’m ALL IN. My heart, my future, my life are all in her slender, well manicured hands. This doesn’t seem like much of a leap of faith when you look at my hands and where they’ve taken me BUT they have allowed me to survive against the odds and wishes of myself and others but with Ashley surviving life isn’t good enough. I have to live life. Just like she has. [click to continue…]
Just home from Wed night Laugh Factory Show. Once again, sweet crowd and awesome, patient comics. I needed to share my weekend wedding details with my friends (the crowd, the comics, the wait staff). Hope they didn’t mind. Might be bummed at me but they all really like Ashley, so I’m sure they’ll forgive.
At sundown last Saturday, Ashley and I got married in Maui and it was perfect, of course (it’s hard to screw up Maui, but if anyone could do it, I’m your man). Ashley’s family and friends are crazy about her and my friends continue to blow me away with their love and support. We could’ve made some sort of deal with a magazine to pay for the wedding but that would’ve required an intimate, post vows interview but I’m very aware of the fact it was my fourth and Ashley’s first. [click to continue…]
It’s 6 PM. Very dark already (it’s getting dark around 5 these days, is that kinda early?) I’m sitting in my hotel in Sacramento just like I did last weekend in Sarasota and the weekend before in New Brunswick NJ. Exactly a week from tonight Ashley and I will be married in Maui. That’s what has kept me going. She’s back home and her whole families in town. I got to see them before I took the Thursday night redeye (I always have early morning press on Friday’s) so landing at 1 am and getting up for “Good Morning Sac” at 6 am is a tough one but I try to stay home as much as possible.
That’s where my life is although I’ve been booking every waking moment with other career endeavors and haven’t had the quality time with Ashley I should of. I realized I’d booked myself every day and night at either the dentist or charity events. I also realized I’ve always lived like this, like a shark afraid to stop swimming because he will die. This is how men live, or so I used to believe. It certainly hasn’t helped my personal life so I’m changing. Saying NO. This is new and hard when a guy is filled with fear of financial and spiritual failure. [click to continue…]
See, I’m the one who needs help but I can only get the help I need by helping others. It’s not because I’m a wonderful guy. It’s because I’m a selfish ass wipe with a Santa Claus complex who’s only happy when distracted from his own self. It’s a weird win-win. Like if your girlfriend suddenly becomes an addict (sad, scary) BUT she’s addicted to making love to you. Just you. Her focus on your pleasure releases endorphins of joy or peace….who cares? She feels better for making you feel better. That’s why I do so much charity work and now that we have more time than ever on our hands we should all be doing as much as we can in case there really is a heaven.
I know what you’re thinking, “But Tom, charity work doesn’t pay.” Wrong. Charity work makes you forget about your miserable life, right? Just like Crack. But Crack costs money and the more you do it, the more you need. The more you need, the more you spend. Then one day you realize that old fashioned smoking rock cocaine isn’t doing the trick anymore. So, of course, you go to needles and high quality syringes are an added expense. But you adjust. Then suddenly you realize your veins have collapsed and the next thing you know you’re sticking things up your butt. When “your bottom” is actually you bottom it’s maybe time to look for help plus where do you go when “taking it up the ass” isn’t crazy enough?
[click to continue…]
It’s 5 a.m. My good days always begin with the same ritual:
1. Wake up at sunrise
2. Stretch and ride bicycle to Runyon Canyon
3. Power walk up and sprint back down
4. Bike back to house, dive into the pool, swim 25 laps
5. Spring out, somersault into micro-yard and begin 30 min core strengthening routine
6. Hit my knees and pray-meditate for 20
7. Journal, egg white omelet, return all calls, send “thank you” notes and spend some intimate quality time with life partner, which begins with just listening to her feelings and hopefully, once again, going over every minute detail of our wedding plans.
Did you know that Gelson’s in West Hollywood sells the finest blue roses? Well, they do. And even though we’re getting married in the middle of the world’s largest exotic flower farm, Maui, I’m honored to be able to provide whatever her heart desires, regardless of the price or excessive shipping costs, because, darn it honey, it’s my honor.
[click to continue…]
Hey, I know I should be writing about how nice the Washington folks were at Thurs Nights show (thank you so much, you made me feel like a king) but Ashley has brought a piece of “let it go, guys” business to my attention. Apparently, my ex-wife, Roseanne of RoseanneWorld.com, was offended by a joke I did while blogging about a friend’s misfortune.
“I slept with my boss 20 years ago and I’m still getting shit about it.”
R has made it clear, in no uncertain terms, that she would never condone an inappropriate work place environment and her lawyers are recommending she sue me for hurting “her BRAND.” First of all, I didn’t know you could brand “CRAZY” (joke). But more disturbing, although I haven’t seen her in 16 years, when I met her 27 years ago her brand was “comedy” and “domestic Goddess” and she was the funniest, most talented person this 23 year old Iowa boy had ever seen. Not to mention, inspirational. She rose up from a trailer park to claim the American Dream and was kind enough to take me along for the ride. Giving me opportunities (writer, step-father, sobriety = life, etc) I didn’t think possible. But most importantly, she believed in me which gave me the confidence to be reasonably successful at all of those things and since I have Ashley, friends, family and charities to support, I can’t give that back.
[click to continue…]
Reality was what hit me in the face when I showed up early this morning for Jury Duty in Inglewood, CA. It’s funny, it didn’t seem so far when the Lakers played at The Forum there. During the drive down, my fears of being sequestered with a group of strangers for months on the next O.J. trial exploded. And for only $15 per day…of course if the money was right. As always my fear far exceeded the reality. Sure, I was the only fat white guy in a group of 100 other citizens and yes, I knew the Governor, whose big head and massive, scary smile beamed down on us from above. Perhaps, more humbling was Jamie Leigh Curtis’ photo, “look at me, I’m a celebrity and I did jury duty!” And…I’m an ass.
Turned out, everyone was very nice – from the deputies to the lady who gave us our lesson to the dozens of others. Many who were missing important jobs like teaching or parenting. They were so nice I wondered if we’d made Soul Plane in a courthouse, maybe it would’ve been funnier? Then I thought about Snoop Dogg. It might’ve been in this very courtroom he had his attempted murder trial years ago. I was hosting SNL and Tupac was the musical guest and we watched and rooted for Snoop because:
1. He didn’t shoot anyone and
2. We wanted him to fly to NY to be on with us. (I wouldn’t have been any better as host but the ratings would have been higher.)
[click to continue…]
