I presented the VES Award to Jim Cameron for Avatar… This is how I roll! Click here to watch…   L, T

Here is my new kids show “Kid Pitch” on Entertainment Tonight! Check it out…

Hey all. It’s late night, back at the hotel after a couple sweet shows at “Good Nights” in Raleigh, N. C. Got “The Blind Side” on in the background. Ashley and I tried to see it when it first came out, but all the theaters were full (full to Ashley means there were no seats except the first 3 rows which gives her “the spins” or something incredibly dangerous). I am not movie cheating on her because she saw “Valentine’s Day” with her brother while the King of her Castle was en route to a show. She knew how important that film was to me since two of my buddies Eric Dane and Bradley Cooper play lovers, and I had several jokes lined up for them..
This is one of my last comedy club appearance’s, but after hanging with the owner Brad Reeder, his crowds and staff, I may do more. My plan was to work the clubs for a year and slowly transfer to Casino’s and small Theater’s. So instead of doing 4 shows I could do one big one and have more time at home. It’s pilot season and I love sleeping in my own bed with my movie cheating wife. AND we’re trying to make a baby so my physical presence is required. The Casino’s I’ve been doing have been great. Well run, built in crowds and I still get to meet and greet the people between shows. Plus, I’ve been to places I didn’t know existed (Lake of The Torches in Wisconsin, Snoqualmie, Washington and even a great one in Dubuque, Iowa).
Next week I’m at The Irvine Improv. A few folks are coming down to see who does my stand up special (my Endgame, I’ve told myself many a nights away from Ashley) but I have a feeling I won’t stop. Just be more selective. It’s too much fun and it’s the only time I get to actually touch, literally, an audience. I can’t explain it, but every show there’s been a moment. Someone from my past or someone who just needs to connect has touched ME and reminded me of who I am, where I come from and how important it is that I keep connecting with people who I have much more in common with than most of the folks I see in Hollywood. I also am well aware that if not for those “Hollywood” folks I wouldn’t have as much to share with the crowds or as many fun Hollywood credits which, honestly, is at least half the reason the crowds have been so plentiful. I honestly think the other half is that I’ve always been honest about my personal life, for better or worse. People have a pretty good idea about what my set covers, they just want to see if I can make it funny, and I have to be funny, but it sure helps when you’re in front of 1500 people who are miraculously rooting for you. I think it’s because they know I’m one of them (they sure do after the show:) and they seem relieved that I’m not mean when I share my crazy but true stories of my past. Mixing gratitude, insanity, failure and optimism is not the typical combo for comedy success but it’s my life. It’s what I do. Which is also why I’m not nor will I ever be one of the “cool kids”. Or be in one of the famous comedy-actor cliques. I’d love to be in the cool crowds, be part of the Apatow, Sandler, Eastwood, Coen, Tarentino, Spielberg, Scorcese, Woody Allen etc’s but my path is to stick my toe into all of the various “gangs” and that’s what works best for me (besides, I don’t have a choice, they’ve already got a fat guy:).
In all honesty, I’ve either worked with or been offered work by most of those guys, and most have gone out of their way to show me random acts of kindness. Sometimes when I’m insecure I think of the guys I’ve given breaks to. I wonder when they are going to return the favor, but I don’t need a favor (not that I wouldn’t want to work with them. Not that I don’t think I would come through for them) and 99% HAVE returned any “favors” I’ve done for them (and by favors I mean hiring them and they, using their own talent, have made me look good, so who did who the favor?:) and when I’m honest with myself, 99% of the people I’ve given a break to have gone on to give breaks to many, many others. They’ve “passed it on” just like someone passed it to me, add that to all the talented, incredibly generous people who still are willing to work with, hire and teach me. A list of friends I wouldn’t trade for anyone’s list of friends (and sure as hell I’m not talking just Show Business). Even when my ego is at it’s biggest I look around and realize, “Tom Arnold is a lucky mother f**ker to even know these amazing human beings”. I knock on wood that anyone would have anything to do with me, especially in Hollywood, but more than my fair share do. In spite of my breaking a cardinal rule of showbiz: There can only be one talented person per marriage. The other is a gold digger.
While I can’t speak for my personal amount of talent I can say with 100% certainty that Ashley is at least as talented as me. Different ways but I wouldn’t be sitting here today, showing up for opportunities. Succeeding in all area’s of my life (of course I’d like more quality Film and TV work and I’d like to be a father, yesterday still…) but she takes care of me and our life, so that I am ready when the opportunities arrive. She has no doubt they will, and I have no doubt I won’t let her down. In the meantime, because of her pushing me, I’m traveling every weekend to parts unknown getting paid to make people I like smile. So I guess she IS a bit of a gold digger, as I once was. She KNEW I’d have whatever it takes to bring home enough gold to live out my innermost dreams. Without her unconditional support, belief and confidence I honestly would’ve been out of gold by now. I didn’t think I had any left to dig, but she was born with a silver shovel in her hand. She also taught me one of life’s greatest secrets. I’ve always been a good digger, but I didn’t realize that the actual digging WAS striking gold if you’re sharing your shovel with someone you really, really dig (sorry, it’s late, I’d say that was a bad pun but I’m not sure what a pun is at this point).
Alrighty then, thanks for listening… ..for you real manly men out there, don’t worry, I haven’t gone all soft and sensitive. I’m still a big crazy Iowa farm kid so in my next blog I’ll go back in time a couple weeks. I will share my visually stunning, eye opening, game changing, blow by blow experience of accidentally depantsing the gorgeous, athletic, Victoria’s Secret, Sports Illustrated Super Model, Marisa Miller on live TV during The Direct TV Celebrity Beach Football Game at this year’s Super Bowl, and how I tried to convince my wife that this was all part of HER mantra of not trying to control the future but instead allowing God’s plan to unfold. God is good. Very good. L, Tom

Check out my new show promo

Back from a great trip through the Midwest, including home state Iowa.  Saw lot’s of old friends and family. Ashley was kind enough to meet me in Des Moines (no offense but Iowa in January is a tough sell as a vacation spot:)  So grateful all the shows sold out and all the kindness and stories the folks shared after each show.  Visited the abused children’s center at St. Luke’s in Cedar Rapids. The finest facility I’ve ever seen. A safe, homey place for the kids and still equipped with high tech medical and evidence gathering facilities. The combination of an excellent staff and smart, caring police made me wish we’d had a place like this when I was young. They also have a great community outreach program, education parents and schools but the most inspiring moment was when a mother and father slid a picture of their beautiful little daughter to me and told me her story. They were as smart and brave as the little one and with the help of St Luke’s, took one pedophile out of the child care system.  The last time a parent slid me a picture of their 9 year old boy and his horse, he’d already hung himself.  The shame of rape too much for that little angel. Nothing I could say or do would ever make things right but I will keep trying as will the thousands of others around the country who donate their time and money to place’s like St.Luke’s. I know it happen’s to a lot of us but if we didn’t know enough to speak up back then, we can do something about the little one’s now and stand up for the little one inside of all of us who didn’t know what to do.  We can move on. They hurt us when we were little but we can’t allow them to have any power now and helping others is always the best way to eliminate that shame.  Back to fun stuff.  Sundance was great. Continued my bromance with my buddy Shanks. Loved “The Runaways”, Dax’s “The Freebie”, Phillip Seymour Hoffman’s “Jack Goes Boating” and John Well’s “The Company Men”. Thanks to The Sundance Channel folks. Great hosts.  Also learned a valuable lesson, a buddy invented those Flip camera’s, which have changed things for the better, even for the paparazzi, so watch what you share with old friends, stupidly assuming that since there aren’t any big camera’s present you’re having a private-public convo. My Bad. I did break the tip record as a waiter at The My Space Cafe (for Haiti) which somehow meant more to me than just about anything.  Arnold made me come to the premiere of “The Tipping Point” a very good documentary about nuclear proliferation and a plan former Secretaries of State, Republican and Democrat have for the total elimination of these weapons from the planet.  Scary but I like a plan (also, it made comedy night at The Laugh Factory a little hard to get started:).  This is my only weekend off until summer so we’re laying around (or maybe it’s just me:) Off to the Super Bowl for Direct TV next week. Like Sundance, the Super Bowl is most fun for catching up with friends you don’t see very often.  Finally, Go Hawks!  Very proud of our Orange Bowl win (if you lived in Iowa you’d understand:)  L,Tom

My thoughts and prayers go out to all of the quake victims and Haitian people. Please go to Ellen’s website to see how you can help! L, T

http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/1qQKEc/ellen.warnerbros.com/2010/01/haiti-earthquake-0113.php

“Reminder to self: Never let my old buddy MO near a microphone in public, but thankfully the folks at the Des Moines Funny Bone were very kind and Charity, Mo’s FAR BETTER HALF is a great cook so Ashley made me forgive him and we all thank the Good Lord he’s not famous. MO’s on stage banter makes “the situation” sound like Sidney Poitier. It is nice to be back in The Hawkeye State (actually, the folks in Springfield Illinois, from Donnie B and his club goers to the lady that cut me off at 3 double cheese White Castle’s were hard to say goodbye to..and it was -3 degrees!) The moment we landed at The St Louis Airport I felt I’d arrived at that Avatar planet Cameron created PLUS I ‘d just watched Jason Reitman’s “Up In The Air”. You know a movie’s good when you feel sorry for George Clooney. He’s as good as advertised and the whole Midwest vibe is so cool. So real. They give me the benefit of the doubt:) Larry King with Dr Drew Wed night, Cedar Rapids Thurs, Davenport Fri, Dubuque Sat then back to unreality and a final shout out to Conan (Dax was great last night), D. Ferguson and the gang. Love you guys and look forward to many more silly times with you all. L,Tom”

Happy New Year! Let’s all commit to only focusing on relationships, personal or professional where everyone is on your team. Where we’re all fighting the good fight together and not against one another. Although my personal inclination is to pay a lot of attention to negative things and people I vow to let those things and people go. To focus on the people who like me and not search out the ones that don’t. Same with work. Do the leg work but focus on 10 attainable goals instead of 100 possible ones and anyone that doesn’t believe as I do and don’t want to help, can sit out 2010. If I achieve 5 of the 10 I’ll have a fun year and will be able to help more people get to their goals. This means that I’m going to have to say “no” and cut any dead weight, 2 things that scare me to death as a People Pleaser First Class (BTW, I’m doing this so I can provide for Ashley and our future family. If it was just for me I’d never do it:)  

Now I need to write about something I’d hoped I never would because it involves anonymity and good deeds. 2 things that shouldn’t go together, in my book but are necessary I sure hope there’s Karma and a God otherwise I’d do a lot less. As most recovering alcoholic-addicts know, being of service is one of the big key’s to staying alive because it makes me forget about myself which is reward enough. I also know there are millions of people out there doing kind stuff everyday without anyone knowing. Helping others without even the chance of getting a plaque or trophy. From my experience, it’s a selfish act to lend a hand to another who’s suffering because it always makes me feel better about me. Plus, next time it could very easily be me that needs a hand. Many people have and do help me selflessly in ways big and small that have gotten me through the days and kept me sober over 20 years. By “keeping me sober” I mean keeping me alive. I am 100% certain that if I had one drink or one hit it would lead to 1000 and I’d me dead. If I could’ve lived the life of a normal “party on the weekends” kind of guy I would’ve and I tried every combination, every trick, set and broke every rule and within 2 days I was back to snorting a half ounce of coke a day. I’ve never understood social drinking or partying. I always got wasted. Otherwise, what’s the point? That’s how my brain is wired. That’s why I had to surrender DEC 10, 1989. I’d tried for 3 years before that. Hardly anyone gets it the first time but I was lucky. I only got arrested 7 times, stole and lied to anyone who cared about me and lost EVERYTHING, except my life. That is the amazing part. A lot of people I know did a lot less and died. I am also certain I’d die the next time I used. Maybe because my body is older. Maybe because I have 3 stents in my heart but probably because I couldn’t face the failure of the greatest oppor tunity a person has ever gotten. Life and the opportunity to make amends to the people I wronged and a good life. One without having to remember the lies and live with the shame of who I’d become. A lot of invisible strangers out there have a lot of nasty things to say about me but that’s part of the deal plus, I don’t have to read it (but, of course, sometimes I do:). That’s not to take away from the overwhelming amount of kindness I’ve received from friends and strangers. I wouldn’t trade that for anything. Including the nasty comments. Some of which I deserve and the rest would bother me more if the gutless, faceless, nameless morons that wish everything from the end of my career to death on me, didn’t also make similar lame comments about people I know are awesome. EVERYBODY gets it. Doesn’t make it cool but adds some perspective on these miserable folks. BTW, how much time do you have on your hands if you can spend time calling someone you’ve never met names you’d never say in person? Again and again? I seriously feel sorry for them but if they used their time more productively (and I’m not talking about the clever one’s. They even make me laugh at jokes about me) but if the mean spirited, witless rest would volunteer a few hours a week or even read a good book, imagine what we could accomplish together. One of my favorite “selfless acts” are interventions. Hard core interventions. The ones I do happen after the professionals and loved ones have tried without success. My interventions bend the rules and I only do them when I think someone is going to die soon. They are usually the same. I hear the broken hearts of the loved ones (I particularly like to help addicts with kids because of my mom). I find out where the dying addict is holed up, whether they have a dog, gun etc. Who they’re with and what’s the best way to get in. I also make arrangements with a treatment facility be cause we are going directly there, whether they like it or not (it’s for the kids:). I bring duct tape and carry a small bat incase it gets ugly and when you’re dealing with hardcore addicts whose sanity is buried beneath mountains of drugs and alcohol, it can get crazy fast. I always write my lawyer first giving him details of my actions and I call the police in advance “just incase”. The police have ALWAYS gone out of their way to assist me. It is illegal for a policeman to enter an addicts house without a search warrant but those take time and time is what we don’t have (the bat is also very effective if I don’t have a key to the front door) The element of surprise is key. I do mine before noon and I don’t negotiate, they are coming with me willingly or I’m tying them up, throwing them into my trunk and driving them to rehab, a hospital or jail but it’s happening NOW. I’ve also always gone alone because I didn’t want to jeopardize my many friends who would happily go with. Wires can get crossed and the wrong Police Department may be notified or there could be violence, etc. If the individual threatens to call 911 I always let him and sit next to him, bat in hand and wait for the cops. One fella thought he’d hung up the phone and continued to rant “I know I’m on Heroin. I know I shoot coke…” not realizing that all 911 calls are recorded. It’s funny now because he’s better but that call was the first time he’d admitted doing drugs to anyone so when the Beverly Hills Swat Team got there, we were on the same page. The Captain even told me “we’ve been here 3 times this weekend, this guy would’ve been dead very soon”. But again, the police were handcuffed. They couldn’t grab him until he stepped off his property and he was too messed up to do so, which is why they turned their backs while I loaded him up. Over the years I’ve done about 100 of these, mostly strangers but also my own sister and they don’t alway s work (my sis wouldn’t listen and spent 20 years in Federal Prison…that Meth is some powerful shit). I also lost 2 brother in laws and my mother died before I could get to her. Sometimes they are famous and sometimes they don’t work either (you know the names) but I always get all of them a chance. 30 days at least. It still hurts when they fail. I still take it personally but I also know that I failed myself at first but then I got lucky. My favorite good story is about a guy I’d met 3 or 4 times and I knew his kids were friends of my god kids. I also saw him driving impaired once with the kids in the car at their softball game (I’ll be the first to admit these interventions are an excellent way to release some of the anger I had about my own childhood). When I got my 20th call from people who loved him, crying I said “okay, where does he live…”. I came through his front door at 11 a.m. the next day. He was sitting on his couch with the remains of a half gallon of Vodka and 7 or 8 other drugs and paraphernalia. He’d been up for 5 days. He looked up and said (this should be the name of my reality show:) “What the fuck is Tom Arnold doing in my house?”. Since I knew he wasn’t taking care of his kids I’d asked what his favorite possessions were in the world. “A signed 8 by 10 from his “best friend” Elvis Costello and a guitar autographed by Mick Jagger. Both sat on his mantle (he’d pawned everything else). So I said “Get the fuck up. We’re going to rehab” and he refused. I pointed at the Elvis pic “I hear you like this?” “Yes” then I smashed it with my bat. He lunged at me, swung and I knocked him back on his butt and said “Oh, you shouldn’t of done that” and smashed the Jagger guitar. After another 911 call, some more physical contact, a few more pieces of memorabilia crushed we got him into Cri-Help (a no frills place I highly recommend). Cut to 9 months later, I pop by his house which is now immaculate and he looks and sounds great but, and I know this sounds like a Hallmark Movie, instead of B. S. celebrities stuff, on his mantle now was a baseball. Autographed by his daughter after she hit a home run. I like that story. Which leads me to this week. A young man I’ve known since he was 5 and tried to help the last 10 years, but now he had become a full blow heroin addict with all the infections and sleaze ball pals that come with that. I got a panicked call from his mom Wed night. His family and friends had tried everything but he’d just check himself out of the hospital against Dr’s orders and he was holed up with other junkies, porn stars pimps etc. Exactly the kind of folks I hung out with in the day. They didn’t know if he was going to die from his staff infection or O. D. first but it was go time. Since I have a wife who loves me and who I have to take care of I’ve altered my original intervention worksheet to include a witness (in this case his brother who did ALOT of ground work, thank God). At 11:30 a.m. Thurs we broke down his door, I knocked him into a shopping cart and we loaded him into the car and headed to a very nice rehab near Palm Springs which has a hospital next door for his other issues. When we got back to L. A. Ashley informed me that one of the other junkies was trying to sell a story to the tabloids that I’d randomly broken in and beaten people up (including a woman). This is another reason why I’m lucky to have Ashley. See insisted I take a witness incase because if I got in trouble it wouldn’t just hurt me but also her and our future family. If TMZ runs a story that I beat a bunch of people up it would ruin whatever career I do have. Even if they ran a retraction later, it would always be out there, on the Internet and hitting a woman, even a junkie, is not something I would do but there are people who would say “I told you so” and that would be it. That is also why we filmed everything:) So these fine people are trying to sell this nasty story so they can buy more drugs and they almost pulled it off. I was smart enough to call the cops before and after (I’m an officer of The U.S. Drug Court…most people don’t know that either) so when Radaronline.com called the police to verify they couldn’t, plus I’ve got the actual footage and my witness etc. The failed blackmailers also didn’t count on one of my sober buddies working at Radar. I guess my point is we all feel helpless sometimes. There’s someone we care about that won’t get help and I can’t do all of them (I would never of mentioned this publicly if a coke head hadn’t tried to defame me…I’m not beloved enough to survive that kind of P. R. hit). Addiction is a family illness. I recommend taking care of yourself first (Al anon is free and awesome and a great way to game plan with other people who are afraid someone they love is going to die). AA is good for that too. But the biggest mistake families make is keeping the secret, especially mothers because it’s in their nature to protect their young but by keeping the secret you’re not protecting them, you’re enabling them. I know it’s hard for parents. I know it’s hard for kids, too, which is why I have my place but before you ask a crazy man like me to intervene, I highly recommend hiring a professional (every town has a few Dr Drew’s) because my way is flawed, desperate and probably illegal. Involve the whole family and all their friends. Check for rehabs that take insurance or like Miriam’s House, a rehab for mothers AND their children which is free because of fundraising, there are many options and even the fancy one’s (I have nothing against the nice places) will negotiate a little these days. Just try something and don’t cover for them, give them drug money or enable them in anyway. Tough Love is called that because it’s TOUGH but sometime’s it’s the difference between life and d eath. As for my intervention this week, the boy’s protective, single mother. A wonderful woman who raises millions of dollars to cure MS, a disease she’s had for 18 years. The first person I’d call if I were in trouble and Ashley wasn’t around…she released a statement to defend me even though it goes against the DNA of every other protective mother, stating that her boy was indeed an addict and me and his brother were just there to help save him (the irony is he played a young Chris Farley in a movie and was CRUSHED by Chris’ death, swearing to never use, just like I did when my mom died BUT…) By admitting her son was one of us, risking public humiliation and all the nasty comments she know’s will come with it, SHE’S the one who deserves the credit for truly saving her son. L,Tom

The Avatar Premiere was last week.  I liked it even better than what I saw at Cameron’s house.  In spite of the fact I’m not in it, I had the singular best movie experience of my life.  Guessed it felt like 70 years ago when The Wizard of Oz came out.  I can’t believe anyone ever doubts Jim.  Wow.   I didn’t even mention True Lies 2 until after the show.  I have been dropping hints for 15 years and the press still loses it when I do.  Who wouldn’t want to recreate a super fun and career saving event where you got to hang with your buddies for a year?  I would, Arnold would, Jamie Lee’s on board but I’ll let Jim announce it…I owe him that.

Last week started with my favorite appearance on Conan out of the 30 or so I’ve done.  Partly because Conan, Andy and the crew were at the happy go lucky best and partly because of the other guests: a cameo and hug from the sober but sadder, world weary Mike Tyson (the man deserves a break), Cheryl Hines (my favorite) and Adam Lambert (a lot of young people’s favorite).   He also seemed like a nice young man, talented but also graceful in the ways of handling his “controversial” appearance on The AMA’s.  The fact that he didn’t stick to his rehearsal act got him temporarily banned from ABC, a feeling I knew one time but for a different reason.  When your ex-wife is their biggest moneymaker and she makes it clear that it’s a “him or me” scenario, the network has no choice.  I survived and so did Adam (The View came to his aid…nothing to do with ratings I’m sure).  

I did feel sorry that The Jimmy Kimmel Live was forced to cancel him because Jimmy would’ve made it fun, especially since there was a big hint of hypocrisy.  Adam smooched a girl AND a boy.  Maybe they felt he hadn’t earned the Madonna-Britney right to express himself but it is rock and roll, right?  They censored Elvis, too.  He may ha’ve used bad judgment but I think he was braver than any of those other guys and as a sports fan, he made a hell of a smooth play to rebound after a rolling trip.  Judging by the comments on the internet there are millions of young girls who haven’t allowed his “coming out” to dissuade their lust for him, making him the equivalent of lesbian porn for us old guys.