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Today’s a great day to re-boot. Had a traditional, family, food, friends and fireworks salute to our bravest and finest (that is how we’re supposed to honor them, right?) As well as pausing a moment to remember the original founding fathers and reread the document they drew up defining our perfect union 234 years ago. Maybe this year we’ll get to the “all men are created equal” part and let the gayest among us get their marriage on (my gay brother Chris is the only person I know that is passionately AGAINST gay marriage..”I don’t want to lose all my money like you, Tom”) Apparently he doesn’t realize the purpose of marriage: It guarantee’s that one person on the planet doesn’t bad mouth you behind your back at all times. Unless that one person forgets the very specific vows they’ve taken in front of hundreds of witness, videographers, holy men, caterers, paparazzi and over priced wedding “coordinators”. Ashley and her mom “coordinated” our wedding and I really paid attention to my vows and her responses. Basically, if I don’t cheat, abuse, stop listening to, intentionally disrespect or become a mental, drug addled asshole she has to stay with my butt until I am no longer of this world. Then, since she’s 17 years younger than me, she has my blessing to have a great time. I know it seems funny that I would be speaking with any semblance of authority on the rules of engagement of marriage but I did not hear the “of sound mind” passage in either our Jewish or Buddhist ceremonies. Sadly, I did not hear the old “honor your husband” line from the 50’s. I miss some things about the old days and when you love someone enough to marry them, of course you agree to honor them. I just like hearing that kind of stuff in front of witnesses. Besides, we all know who’s in charge when it comes down to it. Men just like to be humored and “honor king of his castle”, though antiquated are somehow more important than ever in these troubled “us against the world” times. But I know enough not to press. Us men of failed marriages are careful. Which also makes us the best candidates for a loyal, appreciative, hard working, learning quickly from mistakes partner. We’re scared and we know we are also lucky that we’ve hung around long enough and worked hard enough to get our big break. And that big break is you. Nothing we do has much meaning without you to share it with. I learned that the day I turned 50. Even life’s disappointments are somehow sweeter with you than the home runs we hit in our 20’s and 30’s alone (you can be married and alone, trust me:)

Yesterday I went to a wonderful actress-artists 100th birthday party. She, a glowing Gloria Stuart, was surrounded by friends and family and her life’s work. By my calculations she did more in her second 50 years than her first so, as with anything I experience, it became about me and the possibility that I too could accomplish a lot in my “second 50″.

That’s why days like today are so important. Tomorrow is a clean slate. Back to work. Maybe something wonderful will happen. Maybe that director who promised me that big job to return that big favor will call. Maybe I will suddenly become an important client to guys who’ve obviously got their hands full with more important tasks. Maybe the psychic will be right and we’ll begin the journey to parenthood without a medical miracle. Maybe is good enough because I’ve got a partner and some friends to share the next 50 years of maybe’s with. Along with the many “no’s” and an occasional “yes’” and that’s more than fair for me. Just don’t take away our “maybe’s”. We live in those maybe’s. We know we won’t win the Super Lotto Power Ball but we sure as hell will shell out $5 for tickets and spend a few hours sharing our plan’s for spending the $250 Million Bucks before they draw someone else’s numbers. Good for them but we’ll win it next week “right honey?” “Maybe, baby.”

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It’s late Saturday night in Detroit. Filming “Restitution” with Mena Suvari, but have weekend off so that means eating and catching up with old friends while eating. Started early with Dax’s dad “Big Dave Shepard” and a bunch of his sober pals at a sports bar then “Killer Ken Kennedy” took me to “Smalls” an amazingly stylish and popular (over heard hostess say “2 hour wait”) BBQ joint close to the pro stadiums (always my central navigation point when traveling). I was supposed to meet some of the film crew but since my Layfette’s Coney Dog obsession had caused wardrobe to up my pants size once I felt a twinge of shame as I grew faster than Willy Wonka’s Blueberry Girl and decided some exercise would be prudent. So Ken and I hit “The Magic” and bowled. I was sweating and was reminded of this every time I posed for a picture with a nice young lady. Most were subtle “Gross, wow, you sweat a lot!”. Yes I do, which is why I should reconsider photo requests during competitive exercise. The pro’s sweat a lot, too. Especially after a huge plate of pulled pork, beef, chicken, banana pudding and peach cobbler ala mode.

I like Detroit. I like the people and their strength and good humor in the face of constant adversity but I also have, for the first time in 3 years, the feeling that things are beginning to turn around. You can see that in their faces, hear it in their gossip and even read it in the Business Section (I only read good news in the Business Section and I’ve noticed I’ve been reading more of it lately so something’s definitely happening)

Last Saturday night Ashley and I were at Jimmy Kimmel’s little party for Howard and Beth Stern. Beth has a dog book out and Ash’s mom had given it to her for mother’s day…which brings up a question I’m too nervous to address directly: Does Ashley think she gave birth to our dog, Lucy? And doesn’t the giving of Mother’s Day gifts to pet owners take some of the luster off real mothers? I mean, they aren’t called “the OWNER of two beautiful twin girls”. This is all I am willing to risk saying on this apparently very emotional subject.

Jimmy’s party was great because apart from the high quantity of big stars it was no different than his Sunday afternoon football parties. Lots of great food, friends, family and anyone displaying ego issues is mocked severely. Jimmy is a great host. He treats everyone the same which is probably why his show is so good and under rated. It was nice to see Howard smiling, relaxed, happy and just plain having fun. Beth is that woman who lights up every room she enters and bonds with everyone. They are so good for each other. I’d like to think Ashley and I are the same. There were a lot of famous couples there and they all were kind to Ashley and best of all, I remembered to introduce her to everyone. We’ve been listening to Howard talk about the party all week (he’s definitely a genius when it come to keeping things interesting and getting usually publicly shy people to reveal their true selves and then some). Here’s my highlight from that night:

1. Watching Jimmy work his house, making sure everyone had everything they needed and no one was alone. “Tom, why don’t you and Ashley eat at the outside table. The Stiller’s are all alone together”. We did and we had an actual conversation. Christine is a doll. Not only a talented actress (I think people forget that because she’s married to Ben..that happens a lot in Hollywood) but she’s funny (we planned a party using mutual friend’s house without consulting that mutual friend’s) and she spoke about motherhood. My second favorite subject to talk about in front of Ashley. Ben gave me a big compliment and since my beloved heard it, THAT became my favorite subject.

2. Seeing how grateful Howard and Beth were and how comfortably they fit in with everybody, from the heartbreakingly earnest John Stamos. The sweetly humble Johnny Knoxville. The lovely, kind, hugely talented and mutual admiration of the growing Will Arnett-Amy Poehler family. The honest, over worked Jillian Barberie. Adam Corolla and fellow awesome person-pod caster, Greg Fitzsimmons. Jimmy’s family, band, and loyal crew (I’m sure I forgot a bunch of cool people like Bill Lawrence, the best writer in town and Christa Miller, his wife who’s good on EVERYTHING) but Bob Iger and his friendly, hot, talented wife (Willow Bay) was there, too. I’m sure it wasn’t because Bob is the boss of bosses at Disney-ABC. Jimmy doesn’t kiss butt like that, Bob was there because he’s fun, smart, honest, down to earth and we shared some fun moments from the fun old days, 20 some years ago when he was “only” the President of ABC and I was an Executive Producer on his top show. THAT’S what separate’s Jimmy from his peers. Bob, too.

3. Demi, who is obviously a sensitive super mom, appearing out of no where to pull us away from an emotional situation with a friend, that in spite of my massive wealth of healing power and “know it all” could be better handled in the light of day and took us by hand to Jimmy’s Jam Room.

4. Ashley and Demi watching and encouraging me, Ashton, Courteney and David trying to learn one single song for an hour.

5. With Ashley, Demi and David giving up and moving on, Ashton, Courteney and me trying for another 30 minutes alone in Jimmy’s Jam Room, still trying to learn that one, apparently non-existent song we could play to impress our beloved’s.

6. Dax was there. Everything is always better when Dax is there. Including, but not limited to: Wars, Dune Buggy Riding, Weddings, fights with gang bangers at a Fleetwood Mac concert and serious eating contests. AND he brought Killer Ken, who was visiting from Detroit, as his date.

7. As the party wrapped up, Ashton and I exchanged intimate compliments that only 2 Iowa boys could appreciate and could only have happened at Jimmy’s. Then, realizing that a perfect evening could not possibly get anymore perfect, Ashton, me and David made it known in a loving but firm way that we were too beat to fulfill our ladies wish that we stop by The Soho House for “one quick game of pool” and we were absolutely going straight home to bed.

8. Playing that “one game of pool” at The Soho which turned into a variety of 3 teamed billiards competition and appetizer extravaganza (Thank you, David..I love that guy:) for a crowd of envious fans, including Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel (okay, maybe they weren’t jealous but they sure were nice and humored us for a bit:). Love, Tom

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Wednesday, June 16th

Beverly Hilton Hotel
6:00PM Cocktails
7:00PM Dinner
7:45PM Fights
Casual Attire

For more information please contact Barbara Friedman 310-204-5200 ext 204 or barbara@beittshuvahla.org

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Get your tickets for the Maui show under my gigs section!

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I don’t know if it’s the same for everyone, but it’s easier for me to deal with strangers than my own family. The part that is my fault is major. I have to let go of things from long ago, and I feel I’m looked at “differently”. The weird part about that is that was my goal in life. To get out of the Meat Packing Plant…to do something different. Being from Ottumwa, Iowa I have a list of good excuses as to why I haven’t been home as much these last few years (it’s long travel, 2 planes and a 90 mile drive) but also I realized this last weekend, when I went back to see my dad who’d taken a fall (he’s good..actually went to a doctor:)) that I have a massive fear of failure, and by failure I mean letting down the homies and my family. I don’t have a sitcom on the air, I haven’t been in any huge movies for a few years (huge means they show them at The Ottumwa 8 Theater) and am not able to financially take care of as many problems as I see in my home state.

My wife is very close to her family. She thinks it’s weird I get so jumpy when it comes to mine, but her parents have been married for 43 years. Her sister and brother have been a constant in her life, where as my family is much much different. I am the oldest of 7. Some step, some half, some don’t speak to me, and others I’m afraid to connect again with for fear they’ll go away again. BUT the one constant in my whole life is my father (who I haven’t told enough that I love him), and I’m so grateful that after my “celebrity” speech at the Anti-School Bullying Conference in Denver (I played the brave teacher who bravely died during Columbine in April Showers, a film written and directed by a survivor) we headed to Des Moines, saw Mo and Mike (and ate too much at Kinfolks, their BBQ place…Ashley wondered “why doesn’t everyone in Iowa weigh 400 lbs”..That’s a good question) we rented a car and headed to Ottumwa. I got to eyeball my old man, spend some actual quality time with him, and feel comforted that my stepmom and siblings were looking out for him. I am so grateful that I did that, but why is it harder than performing for millions on live TV? I have to grow up. My childhood is over and I survived, more than survived. I can’t think of a single human who’s been luckier. So there. I did it and it’s my only weekend off until the fall because I start consecutive films and some weekends around the country, and I am pretty sure at least one of the films will be big enough to play at The Ottumwa 8 Theater:) L,Tom

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My new best friend Michelle from the East Side told me that my comedy blog should contain some actual comedy. That this little space of mine was not simply for late night, random, nonsensical apologies to people I regret apologizing to in the morning and the sista is right. No more Mr Nice Guy, Mr Politically Correct “I keep my side of the street clean” because my side is actually pretty fricking messy, especially for a man that married a professional organizer (she organized the shit out of me right up to the wedding). It’s why men marry a masseuse, so they’ll get a lifetime of free massages. BUT in the real world, where I drop in every few days for supplies, that’s a myth. Same with marrying a comedian so your house will be filled with laughter. Drunken diatribes maybe, but it’s a little light on the chuckles.

Bottom line, my job is to make you smile…or at least do the airport double take. That’s what I do to heal America. It’s a gift directly from the big man himself and I bet God is a big man. Oprah big. He invented warm pecan pie with a big scoop of home made ice cream meltin on the top. God loves food. God loves us. Food IS love. So hell yeah, I’m packin 250 on my 6′2″ frame so God’s what? 10 foot even. At least “3 spins” as the late great Herman Munster used to brag he was (BTW, The Big Boss’ handsome son is skinny now, full head of flowing hair…but so was he 30 years ago and so was that Missouri boy Brad Pitt and he has let himself GO….

Just got back from America’s 5th happiest place Huntington, West Virginia. This will not come as a coincidence that it is also America’s fattest town. Fat and happy. Just like the best women. (fat and mean, fat and crazy, homicidal, etc, those combos don’t work “happy” has to be part of the equation, right. The rest is just filler. The fine people came to the Huntington Funny Bone from all over the Tri-State area and were kind enough to hang out for pictures and pick up kids camp shirts after every show. I love the hugs but be warned, after an hour 20 of Tom Arnold kicking major ass on stage he’s gonna be damp and yet, I still need those hugs.
Tommy and his crew took me out after the show (I never go out) and I almost forgot, real people are fun! Got back to my hotel at 3 a.m. for my 5 a.m. pickup but seriously. I appreciate every one of you hard working folks and your funny stories and that is a sweet little town to either score pot, really hot gals or drifters. Dave Waite, my Feature act, hilarious, scored all 3. I was definitely feeling the love from the 5000 or so I swapped sweat with (sadly, most were in the form of a chest bump) and I hope you felt it from me. My act is so personal and you guys seem to know all the characters in my life that if I just went up and trashed an ex-wife, without any context, you guys would’ve sent me home packing. We are tough, but fair. Congrats to my pal Illeana Douglas who’s “Easy To Assemble” won a “streamy” tonight for best ensemble (including this guy) hope I get a trophy so I can put it where my Golden Globes used to be…I’m sure they were loose, I mean what kind of a 16 yr old minimum wage earning frat boy would even consider stealing the one award that looks like you could get Meth money at a pawn show…it’s got a big ball of gold on top. I use my highly respected Peabody award to air out my office, and my Rock and Jock MVT trophy (full of Nicorette) does not ever leave my side…so, if there’s a theater, Indian casino, regular casino in your hood and you want to hang with your Big Buddy Tom and hear all the inside shit before I sell out and do another HBO special, let me know and we’ll come to you too!

Finally, God works in funny ways. Tiger played pretty damn good this weekend, but old lefty won and there wasn’t a dry eye in the house when his beautiful cancer surviving wife Amy hugged the big lug…well….plus apparently Mr. Mickelson is growing a pair of donor breasts of his own if, God Forbid, she needs them.

Time to sleep. I love you guys. The kids camp is coming up and if you have an extra 20 (I know..but they are great shirts and even better kids and I will autograph anything you want and mail it back out to you…great gift idea:)) You can resell them on ebay! More funny tomorrow I LOVES HUNTINGTON!!!!! L,Tom Arnold

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Okay, I swore to everyone that I respected I would not respond to a blogger using my own name, but last night the Movieline kid, who is pretty funny, pissed me off because I thought he called me and Cameron liars (actually, just me, be I’d like to think my friend would have my back) anywhoo, I looked like a weenie and spilled some beans that were going to be spilled by a professional bean spiller about a film I’m doing. I also ID’d Cameron’s exact location so if rebels take him..Arnold and I will HAVE to go down to Brazil and save his butt (after we get a crew together). Now, worst of all I like this kid and I’m the blabber mouth-bradard (I should have just left it at the loser he described me as….so much my comfortable.) Never again but I do say to those old enough to remember True Lies, do you remember what Hollywood and the rest of the country thought of me then? And if Jim would cast me in that against those odds (zero) why the fuck wouldn’t you even consider the possibility of another pow wow and as far as Pete Berg, those dudes are two peas in a pod and Jim’s hooking up with him if and when he returns (TMZ note..stake out LAX for the next 5 days and make up a Kardashian-esque scenario to make him look nuts..sure killed that last movie of his ) I’m an ass for over sharing, for not spell checking, but I’m no less a man for going mono-mono with invisible Movieline fire starter…and neither is he. We shall meet again one day, my friend.

On a somber note, doing comedy in West Virginia this weekend. The sadness is palatable but these are the strongest people I’ve ever me. God Bless the Working Man. LL,Tom

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First off, I gotta add miners to my personal list of hero’s (service men and women, police, fire fighters, good moms, good teachers).

So Ashley says I’ve been a load lately and I’m trying to work my way out of the funk, but when I heard my Rabbi HAD to speak to me…well that usually means money or trouble or both so I was a little nervous when he came over today. “I need your help” were his frightening first words (my Rabbi, Mark Boravitz runs Beit T’Shuvah, a wonderful rehab center in Culver City that always needs financing:) “What do you think of a celebrity fight night at The Playboy Mansion”? “I like it” Then came the funny: “would you fight me?” Are you serious? It’s kind of a lose-lose because if I kick your ass, I beat up my Rabbi and if you kick mine..well that’s too horrible to consider. “It will be fun, Robert Shapiro will help (for The Brent Shapiro Foundation) Jackie Kallen will book some real fighters and Manny Pacquiao’s trainer will be involved”. Like how involved? Like training you, involved? Because that guy’s (Freddy Roach) the best in the world ..anyway, in June I’m fighting my Rabbi along with some real fights at The Playboy Mansion and all the proceeds go to the rehab center and The Brent Shapiro Foundation. “We are kicking addiction’s ass”. His words, not mine. These are the times I’m grateful Jew’s don’t believe in hell. But see, I expected the worst and instead I got….something different..which is better than yesterday. I am now off to perform at The Huntington Funny Bone in WV, see you there! LL,Tom

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