From the category archives:

Charity

Good Days – Part 2

November 11, 2009

See, I’m the one who needs help but I can only get the help I need by helping others.   It’s not because I’m a wonderful guy.   It’s because I’m a selfish ass wipe with a Santa Claus complex who’s only happy when distracted from his own self.  It’s a weird win-win.   Like if your girlfriend suddenly becomes an addict (sad, scary) BUT she’s addicted to making love to you.  Just you.  Her focus on your pleasure releases endorphins of joy or peace….who cares?   She feels better for making you feel better.   That’s why I do so much charity work and now that we have more time than ever on our hands we should all be doing as much as we can in case there really is a heaven.

I know what you’re thinking, “But Tom, charity work doesn’t pay.”  Wrong.  Charity work makes you forget about your miserable life, right?  Just like Crack.   But Crack costs money and the more you do it, the more you need.  The more you need, the more you spend.   Then one day you realize that old fashioned smoking rock cocaine isn’t doing the trick anymore.   So, of course, you go to needles and high quality syringes are an added expense.  But you adjust. Then suddenly you realize your veins have collapsed and the next thing you know you’re sticking things up your butt. When “your bottom” is actually you bottom it’s maybe time to look for help plus where do you go when “taking it up the ass” isn’t crazy enough?

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Good Days – Part 1

November 11, 2009

It’s 5 a.m.  My good days always begin with the same ritual:

1. Wake up at sunrise
2. Stretch and ride bicycle to Runyon Canyon
3. Power walk up and sprint back down
4. Bike back to house, dive into the pool, swim 25 laps
5. Spring out, somersault into micro-yard and begin 30 min core strengthening routine
6. Hit my knees and pray-meditate for 20
7. Journal, egg white omelet, return all calls, send “thank you” notes and spend some intimate quality time with life partner, which begins with just listening to her feelings and hopefully, once again, going over every minute detail of our wedding plans.

Did you know that Gelson’s in West Hollywood sells the finest blue roses?  Well, they do.   And even though we’re getting married in the middle of the world’s largest exotic flower farm, Maui, I’m honored to be able to provide whatever her heart desires, regardless of the price or excessive shipping costs, because, darn it honey, it’s my honor.

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Possibly Not Smarter Than a 5th Grader

September 28, 2009

I will be appearing on this week’s Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader? It airs Wednesday, Sept. 30th at 8pm on CMT.  It’s harder than it looks.  Trust me.  My charity was one of my favorites, Camp del Corazon.  They do great year round support for children with heart disease, including an awesome camp they can attend since the kids’ medical conditions prevents them from going to regular camp with other kids.

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