The Luckiest Malcontent

It’s 6 PM. Very dark already (it’s getting dark around 5 these days, is that kinda early?) I’m sitting in my hotel in Sacramento just like I did last weekend in Sarasota and the weekend before in New Brunswick NJ. Exactly a week from tonight Ashley and I will be married in Maui. That’s what has kept me going. She’s back home and her whole families in town. I got to see them before I took the Thursday night redeye (I always have early morning press on Friday’s) so landing at 1 am and getting up for “Good Morning Sac” at 6 am is a tough one but I try to stay home as much as possible.

That’s where my life is although I’ve been booking every waking moment with other career endeavors and haven’t had the quality time with Ashley I should of. I realized I’d booked myself every day and night at either the dentist or charity events. I also realized I’ve always lived like this, like a shark afraid to stop swimming because he will die. This is how men live, or so I used to believe. It certainly hasn’t helped my personal life so I’m changing. Saying NO. This is new and hard when a guy is filled with fear of financial and spiritual failure.  

Before I left, Ashley’s dad gave me a hug but when I tried to break the embrace at the usual 3 second “how are you buddy,” man time he held on a little longer. I wondered if that was how families really do it. It’s been awhile when I hugged my dad. I initiated our first one, based on what I’d learned at 12 Step meetings and he was willing but felt like a big piece of gristle. I loved it and I was touched when Stephen, Ashley’s dad extra hugged me. On the one hand I felt some of the love she must’ve always felt. On the other I was sad that I didn’t have that, or haven’t for a long time. My family, my father will not be coming to Hawaii (my step mother said he can’t get off of his part time driver job at the lab. Of course I offered to find a replacement and pay them much more than the 6 bucks an hour he makes, plus fly them out First Class but…oh well, I’ve got to focus on who’s there for me now.

I have to be positive because 700 people spent their hard earned money to see me tonight. But I am lonely and most of it’s my own doing. I hide out all day, only go to the gym when it’s empty, even though people are above kind to me “out there.” I catch up on my movies. Watched “The Hurt Locker.” thought of Dax and our trip to Afghanistan. It’s the best movie about soldiers and war I’ve seen but it’s also sad so I’m watching “Julie and Julia” to cleanse my pallet before the show.

The Iowa Hawks won today so that was nice, but I also couldn’t help but remember I promised to take Ashley to this “chick flick.” I’m probably blogging now because Amy Adams is blogging on screen. I know I’m an ass to feel anything less than gratitude for the opportunity to travel around an share my stories and I did get a great, if not incredibly deep massage from someone Arnold’s office recommended. This very strong woman who works on a lot of athletes (I’m also incapable of saying “yes” when asked “does this hurt if I do this?” My massage could not start until we watched Oprah’s teary, 2 year goodbye. I might’ve been getting teary too (I actually think it was my head cold) so if that’s not a sign it’s time to go home, I don’t know what is.

My personal appearance agents are getting more offers but I’m cutting back to twice a month. Ashley believes in me and that’s enough for me to say “NO” without fear. I will continue touring and shoot a special but I need to do more acting to go with the writing. Acting makes the traveling and interviews for standup more tolerable but nothing is as fun as the live shows. I just don’t want to miss my life while I’m hiding out from myself in some hotel in another town. I am the luckiest malcontent in the world.